can't face telling
by deaths demise
Summary: Set in D2. After Bombay finds out about his wrist an emotional depressed Adam decides to end it all. Does he do it? why does he do it? Waht are his reasons? Warning: suicidal themes!


Hiya!

Okay so this is my first Mighty Ducks Fanfict.

It's set during D2 where Bombay finds out about Adams wrist and tells him he can't play.

Here's my take on what was going on through Adams mind about it. Also AU for the ending.

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I couldn't believe it. Coach benched me!

Yeah, so what if my wrist was killing me, so what if I could barely move it and the thought of holding a hockey stick made me wince? I needed to play. I had to play. It was the only way to get my Father to be proud of me. He wanted me to be the best, to do that I needed to play, to showcase my skills, to impress the scouts.

Yeah, I know, I'm only in middle school, barely even a teenager and I'm worrying about scouts and a pro career. But my Father wants that for me and this is the only way I can make him proud of me.

Coach reckons my Father will understand when I tell him I'm injured but I doubt it. I mean this is the same guy who has me blade to school rather than take the bus no matter the weather. This is the guy who doesn't let me eat junk food and restricts the amount I eat because staying in shape and healthy is important. That any practice and edge I can get is what matters. The guy who throws a fit if I get a B+ on a paper but doesn't even glance at me when he hears I got an A.

How on earth I am supposed to make him understand?

All he'll hear is that I'm benched. He'll see that I'm weak. That I'm useless and throwing all he's worked towards for me away. He'll hate me and Coach dares to just smile and say 'I'm sure your Dad will understand.' Oh well that's just great, gee thanks for the help Coach.

Of course I didn't say that I just nodded mutely and agreed with him. Then he left and all I could do for ages was stand there. Numb. I was so very numb to it all.

After a while I left and came back here to my the room I'm currently sharing but thankfully the rest of the Ducks are all out. I think they've gone to the movies. I don't know they were all gone before I got back. Way to care about why Coach wanted to talk to me.

'Great looking out guys, way to wait for me.' I think but I don't really mind because I've always known that I don't really belong with them. Even the new guys that just joined us before the Goodwill Games, they belong a lot more than I do. They fit better than I do. Not that I really care, I mean I've always been an outsider. Even when I was the star scorer of the Hawks I was alone. Sure I had people who gravitated towards me because of how good I was but I never had any real friends. In fact I never have. My Father thought it was a waste of time, he thought it would be better if I focused on my hockey skills and on my studies. Which is what I did, is what I have done and now I've lost it. I have nothing if I don't have hockey.

I slump to the floor between my bed and the bathroom door. My hands cover my eyes as I feel the tears that had been threatening to spill ever since Coach said I couldn't play finally leak out. I'm glad I'm alone, that the others have left me.

Nobody has seen my cry since I turned five. I was playing outside and I fell and skinned my knee, it hurt a lot. My Father yelled at me and said only weaklings cry and that I wasn't weak and should just ignore and practice my puck control. Then he stood there and watched me train for the rest of the day before deciding I was improved enough to be able to have a drink. Looking back, nobody ever did do anything about my knee and I never did go outside just to play again, I only went out to train.

The tears fall faster as I lose the battle to stay quiet and finally give in.

Everything's messed up, I've ruined it all. I've got nothing left.

As soon as I call my Father and I tell him then everything will be all over for me.

I hear noise out in the hallway. Shit! The others must be back already. Damn! I can't let anyone see me like this!

I scramble up and bolt to the bathroom, locking the door behind me.

I needn't have like the others have gone on to Conway's room and I'm safe for a while. Curfew's not for another 10 minutes.

But once that comes, I'll have to make small talk and tell Guy that I'm off the team. I can't do that. He's just going to look at me and think 'way to ruin everything cake-eater. You can't do anything right can you?' Of course since I'm rooming with Guy, he'll keep his mouth shut and fake sympathy with me. I don't know what's worse his doing that or what Goldberg, Jesse and Averman will say when they hear about it.

Of course why does it even matter to me what they think? I mean they've never liked me, sure they sort of accepted that I wasn't a Hawk anymore but still I'm not really a part of the Ducks. At least not fully, not like Kenny, Julie and Portman are and they've only just joined!

My body was racked and trembling by this point but at least my tears had subsided and I could sort of see again.

Beside me, I see Guy's toiletries' bag which he'd left open in his haste to leave and right there sticking out of it was a razor.

Without thinking about it, I reached forwards and grabbed it. Twirling it, I suddenly found it fascinating and without really thinking about it I'd rolled the sleeve up on my arm and had the razor held over it with the other hand.

I hesitated slightly before quickly pulling it across my skin.

I hardly noticed my blood flowing or my vision dimming, my body had long since gone numb.

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Okay so that's it, I hope you liked it, and please Review!


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